The Pittsburgh Pirates front office has been busy since the season ended in hopes of fielding a more competitive team.  Paneech.com was lucky enough to catch a few leaks about who could be a new Buc by opening day.  It is a pretty strategic list, and man, if Neal Huntington could nab a couple of these guys, the sky is the limit.  Without further ado, here is the list of free agents that the Pittsburgh Pirates are most actively pursuing. 

Christopher Columbus

Who better to “start” than Christopher Columbus.  He started a new country, the Pirates should definitely be able to get six quality innings from this guy.  Reach out to the Italians in Pittsburgh and sign one.  Columbus has great location and mixes his three pitches (Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria) with great control.

Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown has pitched through very adverse conditions throughout his career.  By adding Christopher Columbus and Brown, the rotation is pretty well set with Paul Maholm, Ross Ohlendorf, and Kevin Correia.  Scott Olsen will probably hurt himself by the time Spring Training starts.  Brown brings a declining 12.26 ERA to the table, but much of that can be blamed on shoddy fielding behind him.  Lastings Milledge will make Chuck feel right at home, perfect fit!

Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen is a mess these days, but so are the Pirates!  Sheen could help the one-man bullpen that is Evan Meek out with some quality innings.  There are a few good clubs in Pittsburgh that Sheen will fall in love with and when you see the rest of the list, you will appreciate the talent he may get to hang out with.  It will be a new fellowship of Pirates players called the Rum Bucket Tippers that Sheen will captain on great nights out after the games not seen since the likes of Dale Berra!

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan will co-captain the Rum Bucket Tippers fellowship for post-game celebrations.  Lohan, like Sheen, will add great stability to the “pen“.  Coming off of a very successful rehab assignment, Lohan’s stock can only rise.  The “pen” will have great depth (not to be confused with depth perception).  The last two pieces to a successful “pen” and definitely two more fellows to lead the Rum Bucket Tippers fellowship society are:

Strawberry and Gooden

you guessed it.  Strawberry and Gooden, the Penn and Teller of sports.  One minute they are locked up, but they always seem to escape.  These two can easily round out the Rum Bucket Tippers fellowship of Pirates who want to move in a new direction.  The “pen” would be loaded with Sheen, Lohan, Strawberry, Gooden, and Evan Meek.

Ace Frehley

There were concerns when JJ Hardy signed with the Orioles earlier this week that the Pirates big plan fell through.  Frehley is poised to step right in, not only at short, but also the Rum Bucket Tippers fellowship.  Can you imagine him with those 12″ platform silver space boots sliding into second to break up a double play?  By crippling the rest of the shortstops in the league with the silver boots, Frehley could start the All-Star game for the National League by default. 

Tito Ortiz

Tito Ortiz can add some punch to a light hitting Pirates offense.  Ortiz, no stranger to getting his ass kicked lately, could do what so many other retreads have done, find himself in a Pirates uniform.  The most attractive thing to the front office about Ortiz is that Dana White has offered to pay 75% of his salary just to keep him away from the UFC.

James Harrison

James Harrison could be the next Bo Jackson by participating in two sports.  The deal is that he gets fined for hitting in one sport, but would get rewarded for it if he joined the Bucs this season.  Can you imagine all of the Steeler fans who would suddenly resurface as Pirates fans?

Ringo Starr

Ringo Starr was the least talented Beatle.  That would qualify him for an instant contract with the Pirates.  Teach him how to catch, and if that fails maybe RF.  Oh, wait, the Pirates are already doing that with Ryan Doumit.  Oh well, use him as a utility player.  Can you imagine the popularity of Yellow Submarine as the new Pittsburgh Pirates seventh inning stretch song led by Starr?  Wow, the marketing department (do they have one?) better jump on this.

Simon Cowell (Manager)

Simon Cowell had the managerial job locked up but his negative attitude (above) forced the front office to hire Clint Hurdle.  Cowell, not always popular with the fans, does have an eye for talent and is a winner.  Passing on Cowell to be the new skipper will surely come back to haunt the Pirates.

So there you have it, all of this talent is out there and the Pirates are just lurking in the weeds for the right moment to announce some of their new signees!  Hustle to the box office and order your season tickets before they are gone and be sure to mark August 12th on your calenders.  Not only is it Zambelli Fireworks night, but is also Clint Hurdle bobblehead night.  They were going to use a player, but the front office was unsure about who might still be around, so Hurdle gets the “nod”.

One Response to “The Top-10 Free Agents Being Sought By The Pittsburgh Pirates”